Nov 21, 2019

Genuinely Fraudulent Ep. 1 – Inn Victori’s Guide to Faking It

Becoming a master in any skill is a huge challenge. American writer and journalist Malcolm Gladwell mercilessly proclaimed that the time taken to reach world-class expertise in any given discipline is approximately 10,000 hours of practice with the correct technique. Many say that Malcolm’s findings were iconic, paving the way for future research; I say, maybe he was just a slow learner?

Okay, of course, we all want to be popping Alley-Oops off the lip like John John Florence, or drawing searing carves on the face like Jordy Smith, but 10,000 hours of practice? Nah, come on bru. Do you really think Filipe Toledo can wash his pants, pick the kids up from school, cook and clean, all the while maintaining that strict 10,000-hour training regime? Not a chance, so how are these surfers so good?

What many don’t realise is that you do not get good at surfing simply by practicing, the key to surfing mastery lies almost solely with successfully smuggling your way through surfing’s customs office. These 3 simple steps, combined, possibly, with a series of beginner surf lessons, will send you on your way to earning that fast-track ticket to surfing stardom. If you want to know legitimate, tried and tested industry secrets to becoming the best, genuinely fraudulent surfer you can be, read on.

1. The ‘Extended Surf-Check’

The extended surf check will add an invaluable string to your surfing bow. The key is to prolong your observation of the waves for as long as possible. Complaining over the number of tourists in the water, calling your friends to tell them that it’s, “Absolutely firing” whilst pointing at the waves and screaming “Yussus! Big set’s brewing boys!” Will add to the legitimacy of your surf check. Once you’ve pushed the length of the surf check for as long as you dare, it is critical that you restrict your time in the water to no longer than twenty-five minutes, for risk of your skills actually being noticed. Exiting the water with wet hair, saying “Heck buddy, that inside section is really standing up” is all that’s required at this point.

2. The ‘Go to Bali’

When entering into any conversation with another rival surfer, it’s an excellent idea to have “Yeah, I just got back from Bali, actually” on stand-by at all times. Failing to slip this little gem into the conversation will throw up some serious red flags in regards to your surfer credibility. If you haven’t been to Bali yet, it’s a nice trick to just say that you have anyway.

3. The ‘Insta Deception’

Upload regular photos of good surfers ripping. Now, There are a few essential components of this strategy. High quality images are not a smart choice, you want to do everything you can to leave the identity of the surfer in the photograph anonymous in the hope that people think it could be you. This is a very similar technique I learnt from using Tinder; maintain that air of mystery, and never reveal your true identity. Caption your image with “Heavy waves today”, or something equally ambiguous and you’re well on your way to a successful deception.

There you have it. Your first 3 steps towards the ultimate deception. Stay tuned throughout this blog to continue developing your skills and soon you’ll see those 10,000 hours of practice are just the fools way to becoming a true surfing icon.